*Written June 2013
Holly and Hannah left for Girl's Camp this morning. Shortly after dropping them off at the church, I left on my walk with Judy. I mentioned how lonely it was going to be for the next few days not having those two around to liven things us. As we continued to walk, my thoughts turned to the upcoming events of Noelle's wedding and Natalie's mission. Judy and I talked about that for a little bit and then the conversation painfully gravitated towards the time when all my girls would be gone, out of the home, away from me. The realization of that time was more than my mind and body could handle. I stopped in the middle of the road, unable to move. My throat tighten and I was having a difficult time breathing. I don't know how I still managed to sob, but I did.
When the boys left, I still had four girls to raise. When the girls are gone, that is it; no more children left at home. I don't want my girls to leave me, but I do want them to leave. And just like my wish for my sons, I want my daughters to love deeply and live passionate, productive lives. And they will. It is the way it is supposed to be.
I wrote this back in June but did not post it. I found it painful to admit such deep emotions to myself, let alone to my entire family. But time has passed and I thought I was getting used to the idea of my daughters leaving home......... until I experienced the following little setbacks today.
Noelle has now been married for 6 weeks. Today I addressed an envelop to Noelle Hillam and chocked back some tears. I know her marriage is good, right and eternal. I am happy for her, and grateful for the man she married, but I am having a hard time adjusting to this Hillam thing. I have never had a child change names before and to be honest, it has thrown me for a loop. I guess it is because I know what accompanies a change of name .... there comes a change of heart. Eric becomes her family first and foremost and although it tugs at my heart, it is good. It is the way it is supposed to be.
Natalie has been in the MTC for one week and it has been week since we heard from her last. I know she is safe, but I long to hear from her and share in her experiences. I have checked my email on the hour all day long. Why can't she just write a short email every other day or so? Would that be so bad? Don't worry, I know the answer and although the situation tugs at my heart, I am in total agreement to the guidelines. Natalie is now a missionary first and foremost and it is good. It is the way it is supposed to be.
I truly am grateful for the paths that Noelle and Natalie have chosen and have every confidence in what they are doing. But I can't lie.... I am so grateful to still have Holly and Hannah home.